Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
