meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
