Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
