So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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