Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
