So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
then he tried to convert me to islam
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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