I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
