I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
