I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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