i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
