I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
