I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
