your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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