Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
