Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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