All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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