dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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