I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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