Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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