she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
