I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
