I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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