i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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