five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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