That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
