Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
