Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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