Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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