corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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