How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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