why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
