I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
