we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
