So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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