i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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