Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
