I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
