In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You made out with two different species that night
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
