the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
