I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
