I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize