I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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