Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My nipple is on Facebook.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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