u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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