four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
