Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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