Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I know her cup size but not her name....
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
