my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
