I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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