she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
