That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
