wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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