Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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