Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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