He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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