It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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